From the Tinder Swindler in Europe to Inventing Anna in NY to friends or your workplace, there are many people in this world who believe they are superior to everyone else and this entitles them to have (ie. take) whatever they want.
This narcissism is sourced in greed - lust for money, fame, status, recognition, attention, control of resources. It’s an unquenchable thirst for power over others to mask invisible wounds of insecurity, inadequacy, rejection and betrayal, or to maintain an addiction to feeling invincible.
Given that there are so many people who make a living by swindling, exploiting and manipulating others, some of these behaviours can seem familiar and normal to you about people you already trust. Some of these trusted people might do good things for others, have a good reputation, are well respected and still abuse their power privately with selected people.
I’ve deconstructed the relational narcissism playbook to help you work out if you’re already involved with someone, personally or professionally, who is taking advantage of your trust in them to drain you of your mental, emotional, financial, social and spiritual resources.
I’ll go through each of the six steps of the relational narcissism playbook to describe the person’s intentions and behaviours to earn your trust. I’ll also describe how these translate to your feelings, beliefs, actions and willingness to trust them.
Their main objective is to recruit someone to meet their needs, dominate the relationship dynamic and maintain control of their image at all times.
The Playbook Rundown
Step 1: Impression management - construct an illusion of power
There are two parts to this. Part 1 is what the person does before you encounter them for the first time. Part 2 is what the person does in their first encounter with you.
They first need to construct an identity and story of who they are. If they want people to believe they are wealthy, they will have all the showpieces of wealth - luxury clothes, cars, real estate, access to exclusive clubs and a network of VIP names they can drop. Some people will actually believe their own construction while others will be aware they are being deliberately deceptive. There will be evidence of this wealth on various social medial platforms and they might be a social media influencer. They will also have a story about their generational wealth or how they ascended the ranks with hard work and needing to prove themselves. They project an image of exclusivity, success, untouchability, magnetism and intrigue.
This is the foundation of the illusion they want others to believe is reality. They do this because they believe that this is what success looks like and what everyone (ie. their target) wants.
Now that their identity and story are constructed, let’s look at what happens when you interact with that person for the first time.
Step 2: Quickly form a strong emotional bond with you
They will use three strategies to make you feel special so you will want to form an emotional bond to gain your trust:
Focused attention. Whether you know about the person before you’ve met them or discovering them for the first time, they have selected you to see if you will meet their criteria for investment in you. They will show interest in you and this (if they’re already on a pedestal) will make you feel special. They will show interest by listening attentively, complimenting your qualities and personal attributes, and letting you know that they would like to spend more time to get to know you better. The might also open up about themselves and share their spiritual beliefs, family values and tell stories that reinforce their constructed identity and display their generous spirit, emotional intelligence and kindheartedness. They also want to create an illusion of vulnerability and emotional depth. The effect of these behaviours is that you feel special and seen. They send a message of “I think you’re special and I want to trust you” so that you drop your guard and feel safe with them. They are taking the lead and you’ve been hooked by their confident initiative.
Lovebombing. Showing generous affection comes in many forms such as:
giving extravagant gifts and paying for expensive activities
excessive compliments
giving you access to their secrets ‘that they’ve never told anyone’
giving you access to their knowledge base, powerful networks or expensive possessions
invitations to exclusive events/training opportunities/travel opportunities
sharing spiritual guidance that resonates with your beliefs
…all within a short time frame of having met you.
You feel like you’ve been swept up into a fantasy world or you’ll affirm that these opportunities are things that you’ve manifested through various efforts and that you finally have a lucky break.
Intimacy. The person orchestrates ways to be alone with you to continue to make you feel special while testing your faith in the identity and stories they’ve constructed. Intimacy can look like expensive dinners for two or an exclusive gathering of VIPs. They will open up further and give you deeper access into their soul and values. You’ll feel like you’ve known this person for longer than the time you’ve spent with them. You might think that they’re a soul mate or forces of nature brought you two together to do big things, or that you’ve been brought to them to contribute beneficially to their mission because it’s so important. And they’ll share similar sentiments about you.
The emotional bonding is now complete and you have been chosen, just not for the great things you believe are coming your way.
Step 3: Invest attention in you (so you trust them with your life)
They will continue to lavish you with attention with consistent intensity, gifts and opportunities, connections and intimate moments physically and virtually. They use opportunities alone with you to repeat preferred narratives about themselves, new stories about their life that has a mix of danger and awe, their positive perceptions of you and reinforce the fantasy that’s been constructed about the relationship. You find out about their VIP connections and the loyalty those connections feel toward this person. It’s a subtle warning to make you think twice about betraying them but is delivered with lightheartedness and intrigue so that you don’t feel the threat.
You have developed your own language and routine of interactions within a short time frame and you start to feel addicted to the excitement caused by the unpredictability of the next encounter and the surprise factor of their messages/texts. You read into the things they say or do that align with your fantasy and you never need to check your assumptions, like whether the dinner is a date, or even decline any offers or gifts “because I would be stupid if I said no” as their interest in you is all that matters. You’ve been CHOSEN and you wouldn’t want to say, think or do anything that would interfere with your position of privilege in their life. Their trust in you is the highest honour. And just in case you weren’t sure if they fully trust you in the way you trust them, you will share your secrets, ideas and feelings that even your nearest and dearest don’t even know.
You feel grateful that you’ve met someone who makes you feel like you matter in ways that you haven’t felt before and they matter more than you’d like to admit. You might even feel like you’ve been saved from feeling an emptiness or directionless in life. Your close connections will also seem a little suspicious about the intensity of the relationship and rather than listen to their concerns and reflections, you notice you defend this person and the nature of your relationship with them. You’re protective of that person’s reputation and you have no room for doubt - yours or anyone else’s.
You also don’t have space for doubts because your addiction to the excitement and unpredictability of their messages keeps you wondering when you’ll hear from them next. You’re reluctant to admit how much of your mental space they occupy. You don’t really notice that their overtures, invitations and availability are based on their schedule and needs, not yours. They are the one in control and your confidence stems from your belief that you are an important feature in their life. They need you and you need them. Once the emotional bond is set and you’re feeling safe, they will take the next step with you.
Step 4: Test your loyalty
The relationship is ready for a transition from excitement of pleasure to the excitement of unwanted drama. One day they will drop a bomb on you and you will feel concerned for their wellbeing. They’ve finally showed their vulnerability and now you feel compelled to do something for them in their time of need. They might make it seem that you’re the only one they trust enough to help them out with this important task. They’re insistent and the demand is urgent. You don’t have time to think or challenge their strategy because there’s a lot at stake, including their trust in you and your status in their life. Your willingness to act on command reassures them that you are safe and you’re worth their trust.
If you fail the loyalty test, they will let you know how disappointed they are in you and that you’ve let them down. They’ll also say that they’ve given you so much and they haven’t asked for anything in return. You’ll feel ashamed and guilty, wanting to make things up to them. They might tell you about a time another trusted person let them down and the consequences to that person’s career progression or connections but because they have such a forgiving nature (sarcasm), they will give you another chance to be there for them.
Step 5: Extract your resources
Now that you’ve proven your trustworthiness, your saviour will be activated to put out their fires with increasing frequency, with reward of appreciation at the end. They will be leveraging your addiction to the excitement of unpredictability and surprise, a sense of urgency to act and limited opportunity for you to prove your loyalty, to inspire you to give your time, energy, attention, money and whatever resource to them to placate them and put out the fire. They will downplay the demand on you and increase their entitlement to receive what they’ve asked for. The relationship that was once dominated by delight has now transitioned to drama and tension and you’re starting to feel drained and anxious. Though they’ve promised to return the favour or repay you, you also hear excuses for delays or dismissive comments that disregard your feelings to centre their needs and emotions. You will feel the need to take some space from them without necessarily telling them. When they begin to sense your distance, they will turn the charm and lovebombing back on to reset the emotional bond.
Step 6: Betrayal, disconnection and discarding
You’ll go through a few rounds of the step 3-4-5 cycle as the veneer of their identity starts to crack and expose the aspect of their personality that reacts badly to being questioned and not getting what they want. They’re feeling betrayed because you’re asking questions that demonstrate distrust and disloyalty. They’re becoming resentful of your inconsistency and inability to meet their needs on demand after everything they’ve given to/done for you.
They seem emotionally detached, even cold toward you. Your conversations up until that point will involve narcissistic behaviours to maintain dominance over the situation and the narrative about the situation so that you always feel like you have to prove yourself to them again.
You’ve run out of patience, money and emotional reserve. You fluctuate between fear, anxiety and wonder about what you can do to get things back on track. You might be worried about your job, livelihood, what mutual acquaintances think about you and the future. You realise that you’re not in control of the situation and that this person is like a stranger.
If you have noticed a number of inconsistencies in their story, detected lies and deception, you might feel brave enough to confront them to expose the truth about their stories. This will be the ultimate betrayal and they might react with narcissistic rage because your perception that is incongruent with their constructed identity is the highest form of disrespect and insult. They will attempt to intimidate you to recoil, retract your accusation and apologise to them (for no longer being able to exploit you!). You might be ghosted after this, you might have some unpleasant messages about your wrongdoing or you might be the one to block them from accessing you on every possible channel and medium.
What once seemed like a strong emotional bond has quickly disintegrated to expose reality.
You will each have vastly different narratives of what happened, from the first encounter to the end. They will have perceived all their actions as generous and will blame you for their misfortune and not take any responsibility for their destructive behaviour and consequences. And they’ll restart the Playbook with someone new.
You will be left with the weight of what occurred and wonder how this happened because you might not have seen it coming.
This Playbook isn’t exclusive to 1:1 relationships. It is also what an institution, organisation, cult, community, friend group and family system can use to recruit people to provide it with what it needs for success.
What makes any of us vulnerable to forming connections and trusting someone like this? A number of us did an analysis of the protagonists of Netflix’s Tinder Swindler and Inventing Anna on Clubhouse. Check out the recording here and let’s start a conversation below about prevention and exit strategies.
Thanks for reading, supporting and sharing,
Nathalie Martinek, PhD
The Narcissism Hacker
P.S. I have exciting news to share: You can now read Hacking Narcissism in the new Substack app for iPhone.
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How to know you're being played by someone you trust
Hi there, I stumbled upon this after a blow up with my 18 year old son. He’s still in high school and lives with us. I really related to #5 of your post. I’ve loved him unconditionally as has his dad since he was born. He’s changed during high school, got in with a crowd of very wealthy friends, and is very intelligent. He’s (as I’ve been told by others in my life who know us) become self entitled and as of vm last night, verbally abusive. I don’t know if he’s a narcissist or how to deal with him increased demands for money and complaints about how we aren’t being good parents. He’s been given everything he needs plus many of his “wants” and I’m always coming to save him when he’s out of money or whatever ( flushed his cars keys accidentally down the toilet yesterday) but it’s never enough. Any advice is appreciated if you see this. Thanks 🙏🏼 !
Very much resembles the relationship I am currently in with my government. 😯