As usual you have explained the process in great and accurate detail. I had years of this with one colleague who had several of us on the go for her supply, and would complain about each of us to the others! Then an intense period with another colleague who took her place. I can only conclude that narcissism is so rife in senior clinical positions in the UK NHS that it is the go-to, default approach that is learned at the knee. I really hope that greater awareness leads to a reduction in this kind of miserable behaviour. I have asked myself repeatedly, why me, and I can only conclude that my role (and capabilities in doing the role) were so niche that they felt threatened by it, by the unique position I held that they never could. Why we couldn't appreciate our different contributions, I will never understand. Maybe again a reflection of their insecurities, from life spent in a warped environment.
Finally called HR on one of them last week - three medical errors, two arguments, and a lie about a patient, with a pretend, "Imma gunna slap you" on top, all within 10 minutes.
Im generally patient, but this was a little beyond the ususal pale.
Granted this is the best venue Ive worked in. The others were nonstop narcissistic behaviors for 12 hours straight. Gaslighting, riddles, strawmen, victim posing etc. but the worst was always "Im abusing you because you deserve it", which doesnt refute the abuse of course, it just reinforces it.
I wish I'd been able to read great advice like yours when I was starting out in my profession. I work in the entertainment industry, and this is pretty much every day behavior. I finally got to the point where I could work entirely at home, which has been a big help.
After having been married to a narcissist, I am far more interested in dealing with them in a work setting. Thank you for your clarity and spot-on descriptions of their behavior.
it also is compelling; and if we are honest with ourselves, it 'forces a bit of introspection'-a good kind-that asks the question 'am i unintentionally using manipulative tactics with others'?
The person engaged in a narcissistic relationship isn't likely to ask that question, or may already know the answer because they have chosen to be manipulative.
As i read this, i realized my aspiration that is one of the 'secondary' reasons i subscribed to this substack. I think the focus of this substack is a very good one; an an area of great interest to me where i want to gain from the knowledge posted here.
but I also realize that there is a need for something related to this, that I have been searching for, and not found a lot on. This area is something I've been trying to more clearly define.
And I made a stab at it in this next sentence:
It would be helpful to describe a very realistic alternative that can be made visible enough for people to choose a better way to live.
That is part of what you do on this site; show us what we have been 'fooled' by-so we can avoid being fooled, and showing us how NOT to be fooled; how to recognize relational narcissism, and avoid it and avoid operating that way ourselves.
I am 'at a deficit' at the moment; I've started through the posts; initially I thought I'd just 'start at the beginning and work my way through them, chronologically'-but i soon realized (after taking time to follow this strategy for a couple days) that it takes time to think about what you've written; it will start going quicker as I read more; but that made me realize a different tactic would be better-working 'from both ends' which gives me opportunity to engage by commenting.
But I will be 'naive' and uniformed in areas you've covered in depth, that I haven't yet read, for a while. So bear with me; I AM aware of my ignorance of your work; intend to rectify that deficit; hope to engage collegially in a way that is mutually edifying.
And I guess my main point in reponse to this post, is simple a statement about my approach to it; I always find it helpful to read posts that serve as warnings about inappropriate conduct, to do so with our own style of interaction visible in the back of our minds-'am i doing this in some interaction with another?'. That's how WE change; and how we become more effective at living in ways that impact others positively, rather than negatively. For what it's worth.
As usual you have explained the process in great and accurate detail. I had years of this with one colleague who had several of us on the go for her supply, and would complain about each of us to the others! Then an intense period with another colleague who took her place. I can only conclude that narcissism is so rife in senior clinical positions in the UK NHS that it is the go-to, default approach that is learned at the knee. I really hope that greater awareness leads to a reduction in this kind of miserable behaviour. I have asked myself repeatedly, why me, and I can only conclude that my role (and capabilities in doing the role) were so niche that they felt threatened by it, by the unique position I held that they never could. Why we couldn't appreciate our different contributions, I will never understand. Maybe again a reflection of their insecurities, from life spent in a warped environment.
Based
This is accurate. The nonprofit sector in the US attracts this personality type. It a relief to see it in writing. Thank you!
Im a male nurse. Welcome to my world.
Finally called HR on one of them last week - three medical errors, two arguments, and a lie about a patient, with a pretend, "Imma gunna slap you" on top, all within 10 minutes.
Im generally patient, but this was a little beyond the ususal pale.
Granted this is the best venue Ive worked in. The others were nonstop narcissistic behaviors for 12 hours straight. Gaslighting, riddles, strawmen, victim posing etc. but the worst was always "Im abusing you because you deserve it", which doesnt refute the abuse of course, it just reinforces it.
I wish I'd been able to read great advice like yours when I was starting out in my profession. I work in the entertainment industry, and this is pretty much every day behavior. I finally got to the point where I could work entirely at home, which has been a big help.
After having been married to a narcissist, I am far more interested in dealing with them in a work setting. Thank you for your clarity and spot-on descriptions of their behavior.
This is helpful.
it also is compelling; and if we are honest with ourselves, it 'forces a bit of introspection'-a good kind-that asks the question 'am i unintentionally using manipulative tactics with others'?
The person engaged in a narcissistic relationship isn't likely to ask that question, or may already know the answer because they have chosen to be manipulative.
As i read this, i realized my aspiration that is one of the 'secondary' reasons i subscribed to this substack. I think the focus of this substack is a very good one; an an area of great interest to me where i want to gain from the knowledge posted here.
but I also realize that there is a need for something related to this, that I have been searching for, and not found a lot on. This area is something I've been trying to more clearly define.
And I made a stab at it in this next sentence:
It would be helpful to describe a very realistic alternative that can be made visible enough for people to choose a better way to live.
That is part of what you do on this site; show us what we have been 'fooled' by-so we can avoid being fooled, and showing us how NOT to be fooled; how to recognize relational narcissism, and avoid it and avoid operating that way ourselves.
I am 'at a deficit' at the moment; I've started through the posts; initially I thought I'd just 'start at the beginning and work my way through them, chronologically'-but i soon realized (after taking time to follow this strategy for a couple days) that it takes time to think about what you've written; it will start going quicker as I read more; but that made me realize a different tactic would be better-working 'from both ends' which gives me opportunity to engage by commenting.
But I will be 'naive' and uniformed in areas you've covered in depth, that I haven't yet read, for a while. So bear with me; I AM aware of my ignorance of your work; intend to rectify that deficit; hope to engage collegially in a way that is mutually edifying.
And I guess my main point in reponse to this post, is simple a statement about my approach to it; I always find it helpful to read posts that serve as warnings about inappropriate conduct, to do so with our own style of interaction visible in the back of our minds-'am i doing this in some interaction with another?'. That's how WE change; and how we become more effective at living in ways that impact others positively, rather than negatively. For what it's worth.