Listening is a core relating skill necessary for building rapport and trust between people that forms the foundation of healthy and purposeful relationships. Even though it’s an important relationship building and sustaining skill, most people have a hard time doing what’s necessary to effectively listen, especially when they have a relentless need for attention and external validation.
Dr Jordan Schaul published a candid piece about how conversational narcissism (great term) was his default ‘listening’ mode for many years and its detrimental impact on his relationships.
His piece invites us all to reflect on our own relating and listening habits and consider how our yearning for attention can make any of us a conversational narcissist.
After you read about conversational narcissism and reflected on your own listening habits, bring to mind someone who demonstrates the traits of conversational narcissism.
What effect does conversational narcissism have on you?
What about the effect on the relationship?
Yeah, it sucks.
So what’s stopping you from making things better or at least tolerable for you?
You do have a say in how a conversation unfolds, even when someone is trying to do all the talking so that you’re forced to do all the listening.
It’s about boundaries and how to contain a conversation right from the start.
How do you DO boundaries with a conversational narcissist? Is it even possible?
Name your strategies below!
When you’re done, head to my piece about how to listen to people who suck at listening to you (because perhaps they’re a conversational narcissist!)
I have several pieces in the pipeline about harmless revenge, bullying, and the implications of successfully leaving a toxic relationship on your own friendships.
What questions do you have about these topics? What else would you like me to write about regarding narcissism and managing conflict? Comment below or email me your requests.
One last request (for now) - if you’ve been enjoying my work (which are the products of learning through my own and others’ experiences of shitty relationships and situations, please share my work with your peers if it can help them and or even better, donate a subscription as a gift).
Thank you for reading, sharing, commenting and supporting my work,
Nathalie Martinek, PhD
The Narcissism Hacker
My Wife is a narc, there are no boundaries, and they cannot be set either. Her way or the highway, always talks over you, until you just be quiet. If you demand that she pay attention, it flows over her head, not cared about anyone's say in the matter but her own. If the idea is not theirs or wowed over, they are not interested. Pointless exercise of futility. If you think you have set a boundary, or at least find a few seconds to make a point, it is shut down as stupid, and that is where it ends.
A short list of conversational narcissism I've observed: Informational, Advice, Nostalgia, Victim hood, Money, Others? All lack intention (why am I sharing/how will it land?), curiosity (for other) and disrespect the others time. Strategies: Evade (drop the call, incoming call, bio-break), Ask their intention in sharing that information, Defining a time limit at the start, Stopping the conversation that the subject doesn't serve our relationship and I would like to keep our conversation confined to a topic of mutual interest, Can we slow down and take a deep breath?, I'm feeling mentally full, Can we chat later, when I am capable of providing my full attention... Are conversational narcissists, just lacking self-awareness and a yet to be learned skill?