Wow. Powerful thoughts. You really know this topic. Thanks for sharing this. I’ve struggled with much of the analysis I’ve seen/read/heard around narcissism because it seemed too simplistic to actually capture what I perceive as a more complex and human condition. Your careful but direct thoughts on this spectrum of behaviors offers great insight and aligns well with my own experience. I can see the ways I’ve adopted my own narcissistic behaviors to survive, and how that learned set of behaviors has not aligned with my belief in a higher self. Mahalo!
Great article. Another way to deal with the sense of powerlessness, beyond getting used to it, is to focus on all of the areas in which you have power. So to go from an external locus of control to an internal locus of control, focusing in on all of the things in your life that you do have power over.
We have power to handle our responses to people. It's okay that we can't control what other people think, say, or do. We are the ones who have complete control over ourself and when we focus on that we find out how powerful we really are. I think that narcissists just don't do that, and might just be highly correlated with an external locus of control.
Wow what a remarkable article. You are so detailed and use such great examples. My Narcissistic mother is very fond of the reprimand...I am constantly told to use a different tone and use different words. She is 83 and I am 54. So much shaming! She never seems to tire of it.
Good post but I also feel a bit confused. We contribute to our relationships but we also have to draw a line at some point, yes? Restoring trust after betrayal can just be re-entering an unhealthy cycle.
I'd add "lying" as an indicator, which is embedded throughout those 19 behaviors, and could be a stand-alone indicator. Some narcs lie for seemingly no reason, but they must get something out of it.
Thank you Nathalie. Your excellent, well written article provided so much information to more fully understand Narcissism viewed as a whole, with its many manifests. Well done!
Late to gate on this one, good sign the algorithm is working.
Points 5, 9 and 11 in the checklist were instrumental in imploding a recent realationship. I had a narcissistic parent, being a slow learner, I only evaluated that later in life, now spend a great deal (way too much) time analysing if I have 'inherited' the trait. Scares me shitless tbh. I can take a bit of comfort in reading this content, while not faultless in the destruction of said relationship, the above points in the checklist are really big fat red flashing lights I took no notice of.
Can confirm I used to play sacred victim, and it was the result of and fed simultaneously my mental illness. I appreciate you connecting victimhood to narcissism, because the position of certain kinds of women, specifically, is predicated on playing the victim and acquiring social clout. The social clout is then used to create hierarchies among already relatively privileged PMC women and bully others from this position of ostensible disempowerment. But in reality of course, the power dynamic is flipped, and so I could never critique the behavior of these sacred victims. If I did, bullies would come. All I kept hearing is how tired they are from explaining their subjectivity to people oppressing them, not of course seeing that everyone is forced to cater to their feelings. I appreciate this greatly as it’s influenced my thinking.
Wow. Powerful thoughts. You really know this topic. Thanks for sharing this. I’ve struggled with much of the analysis I’ve seen/read/heard around narcissism because it seemed too simplistic to actually capture what I perceive as a more complex and human condition. Your careful but direct thoughts on this spectrum of behaviors offers great insight and aligns well with my own experience. I can see the ways I’ve adopted my own narcissistic behaviors to survive, and how that learned set of behaviors has not aligned with my belief in a higher self. Mahalo!
Great article. Another way to deal with the sense of powerlessness, beyond getting used to it, is to focus on all of the areas in which you have power. So to go from an external locus of control to an internal locus of control, focusing in on all of the things in your life that you do have power over.
We have power to handle our responses to people. It's okay that we can't control what other people think, say, or do. We are the ones who have complete control over ourself and when we focus on that we find out how powerful we really are. I think that narcissists just don't do that, and might just be highly correlated with an external locus of control.
Wow what a remarkable article. You are so detailed and use such great examples. My Narcissistic mother is very fond of the reprimand...I am constantly told to use a different tone and use different words. She is 83 and I am 54. So much shaming! She never seems to tire of it.
Good post but I also feel a bit confused. We contribute to our relationships but we also have to draw a line at some point, yes? Restoring trust after betrayal can just be re-entering an unhealthy cycle.
A helpful and clear explanation and guide.
I'd add "lying" as an indicator, which is embedded throughout those 19 behaviors, and could be a stand-alone indicator. Some narcs lie for seemingly no reason, but they must get something out of it.
Absolutely fascinating.
The best article on narcissism I've ever read and i learned a lot. DARVO is a new acronym in my lexicon. Thanks!
Thank you Nathalie. Your excellent, well written article provided so much information to more fully understand Narcissism viewed as a whole, with its many manifests. Well done!
Late to gate on this one, good sign the algorithm is working.
Points 5, 9 and 11 in the checklist were instrumental in imploding a recent realationship. I had a narcissistic parent, being a slow learner, I only evaluated that later in life, now spend a great deal (way too much) time analysing if I have 'inherited' the trait. Scares me shitless tbh. I can take a bit of comfort in reading this content, while not faultless in the destruction of said relationship, the above points in the checklist are really big fat red flashing lights I took no notice of.
Thanks again for your content.
This is amazing!!! Thank you SO MUCH Dr. Martinek!!!
Lying should definitely be on that list. Thank you for raising it @M Lucky!
Can confirm I used to play sacred victim, and it was the result of and fed simultaneously my mental illness. I appreciate you connecting victimhood to narcissism, because the position of certain kinds of women, specifically, is predicated on playing the victim and acquiring social clout. The social clout is then used to create hierarchies among already relatively privileged PMC women and bully others from this position of ostensible disempowerment. But in reality of course, the power dynamic is flipped, and so I could never critique the behavior of these sacred victims. If I did, bullies would come. All I kept hearing is how tired they are from explaining their subjectivity to people oppressing them, not of course seeing that everyone is forced to cater to their feelings. I appreciate this greatly as it’s influenced my thinking.