The path to forgiveness when you're the perpetrator of wrongdoing
A short guide to the practice of reconciliation
As much as I enjoy describing narcissistic behaviours it’s important to discuss how to navigate situations where you’ve landed on someone’s shit list because of your actions.
For example, you might have:
been a bully’s ally and realised you’ve assisted the bully to unleash their revenge on the victim.
believed that you were entitled to special treatment or that your work was so important that you behaved badly to others who were there to support you.
tried to protect your position of status or privilege by betraying those you perceived were your threats or competitors.
been caught in a lie because you didn’t have the courage to be honest with the person who discovered your deception.
shut the other person down because they think differently to you or express emotions that bother you.
asserted your preferred narrative to describe the other person’s experience back to them (gaslighting).
spoken badly about the other in front of them or behind their back (and it got back to them).
When you discover that someone no longer sees you the way you’d like them to, because of something you did or didn’t do, it’s common to feel defensive about it.
Defensiveness manifests as blaming the other person, justifying your actions or thought process and other strategies you use to make the other wrong (and you right) to deal with and negate the shame you feel. None of these strategies promote self-awareness, growth and emotional maturation because they prevent you from taking responsibility for actions that hurt someone else or your contributions to a conflict.
You might trick yourself into believing you’re taking the higher road by using self-forgiveness, bypassing any self-reflection required to truly learn from the consequences of your actions. You might do this because you’ve been led to believe that forgiveness is a virtue and doing this for yourself (or others who caused harm) lets everyone off the hook. Not quite.
You might also use positive reframing to find the lesson or purpose of the conflict that dismisses wrongdoing and focuses on the desirable perspective as the solution to the conflict, rather than self-reflection to seek the uncomfortable truth about your wrongdoing.
None of these strategies enable you to resolve the impact of transgressing your own values. Continuing down this path will either result in you blaming everyone else each time you feel ashamed, rather than accountable (and lose friends in the process) or moral distress.
What is moral distress?
Moral distress occurs when you know what is the right action or ethically appropriate action to take but you’re unable to take that action. Instead, you act in opposition to your values, undermining your integrity, and face the consequences of wrongdoing.
Time doesn’t heal moral distress just as time doesn’t repair trust after a betrayal. The repair work is active and the way to overcome moral distress is to confront it head on through restorative justice - with yourself.
Reconciliation is resolving the feeling inside that you’ve transgressed your values, moral code or ethical framework that guide your actions. It’s the balm that soothes the effect of knowing you’ve participated in injustice and wrongdoing.
Reconciliation has two parts. First, reconcile with self. Then, seek to reconcile with the person or people you hurt.
Step 1: Desire for truth about your contribution to wrongdoing.
Step 2: Acknowledge wrongdoing even if the person you wronged never says anything to you about it or believes that you’ve not wronged them. You need to be honest with yourself here because you conscience won’t let you off the hook with a superficial “yeah, I messed up.”
How do you know you’re on someone’s shit list, even if they don’t confront you?
You just know. You keep thinking about them as if they’re haunting you.
They will linger in your awareness until you pause long enough to inquire about why they’re there.
You will then be able to admit to yourself that you haven’t lived up to your own standards of conduct or transgressed your values. You feel guilt, shame, anger, judgement and remorse.
You can call this moral distress borne from your own actions.
Step 3: Self-examination with curiosity, not self-condemnation.
Ask yourself what led to you to hurt that person.
What was happening inside you in that moment that guided your action?
What wounds were already open between you and that person?
Where did the wound come from?
And so on. It can go on for a while.
The outcome you want from this process is to discover what motivated your behaviour, understanding why your actions was hurtful to the other person, how it hurt you, and if you had a second chance, what you would do differently. You’ve gained wisdom and an opportunity to recommit to your values in relationships.
Now that you’ve gone through the process, felt the remorse of wrongdoing and the desire to repair with restorative actions, you will genuinely be able to let yourself off the hook. The outcome of this first part of reconciliation is forgiveness.
The second part is the restorative action or justice with the other person. The relationship has been wounded and this rift, and breach of their trust needs to be repaired. They may or not be aware of it. It doesn’t really matter because reparation needs to come from your efforts, not theirs.
Reach out to them with your intention to reconcile wrongdoing. Share the wisdom of your self-examination and inner reconciliation process. Share your desire to act in accordance with your values to restore trust and safety. Outline the steps of how you’re going to do that.
Invite them to lovingly call you out if you falter.
Invite them to tell you about their expectations of conduct in the relationship.
Negotiate a new way forward and ways to give feedback that invites inquiry, not judgement.
It can feel therapeutic for both parties if the reconciliation process is genuine and sincere and have transformative effect on the relationship.
There are caveats of course:
It helps if the person who alerted you to wrongdoing is also as committed to examining themselves to discover how they co-created the conditions that led to the conflict. Personal responsibility applies to both parties. If they are always the ones telling you what you’ve done wrong but you can’t do the same because they always need to be right, you’re in a relationship that’s making you shrink rather than grow.
You might not feel safe enough to bring your honest reflections to them. If your admission of wrongdoing had been weaponised against you in the past by them, this is evidence that it might happen again. In this case, it might be enough for you to only undergo the self-reconciliation steps. If you can’t trust the other person with your honesty, you might also wonder if it’s worthwhile to continue being in this relationship.
I’m certain there are other circumstances that create barriers to reconciling with self and another person. What are your experiences with restorative justice with yourself and with others? What has or hasn’t worked for you?
This post is in honour of Rosh Hashanah, Jewish New Year. It’s at this time that we take stock of our past by reflecting on our actions over the last year and seek to learn from our experiences, resolve (inner) conflict, reconcile differences with others and make plans to act in integrity in our diverse interpersonal relationships and in our communities. May you all experience the sweetness and peace of healthy and fulfilling interpersonal relationships.
Thank you for reading, sharing, subscribing and for your comments,
Nathalie Martinek, PhD
The Narcissism Hacker
G’mar chatima tova, Nathalie! May you be sealed in the Book of Life!
I love this article, and have been in this very process of late. The most challenging thing for me - and for my clients as a therapist - is looking in the mirror and seeing what someone whom I care deeply about sees in me and has felt harmed by.
Once I get past defensiveness - which in my case looks like agreeing superficially to avoid perceived "unnecessary" conflict with the feedback initially and then avoiding thinking about it further, resulting in making no changes - I can get on with the reconciliation process - with myself and others. That's the sweet spot I'm currently reaching for. It's SO fulfilling to recognize some narcissistic spectrum behavior, reflect on it, find forgiveness for self, and then reach out out of caring for the other person, rather than being held hostage to needing to avoid the distressing emotions and thoughts that accompany growth. Thanks as always for your good work!
Paul
Well done Nathalie - keep up the great work!
I've recognized one of my major barriers to (full) reconciliation is impatience. I'm often in such a hurry to get beyond the conflict that I fail to dwell long enough on the real issue to actually resolve it. The thing about it is, as long as we pretend something is OK - it will never actually be OK!
So I've been focusing on really listening, not as much to the arguments but to person behind them - and not to solve but to understand. I've been amazed at how much people have opened up to me as I've stopped trying to analyze while listening!
The turning point for me in this realization was when I came across Proverbs 21:5 in my morning meditation:
"The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance,
but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty."
I can testify to that! The more I think in terms of scarcity (time, money, etc.), which puts me into the busyness mindset - the less able I am to be truly present in my relationships. And relational poverty, in my opinion, may be the most painful kind.
Here's a confession, of sorts, I wrote about impatience: https://andrewsawyer.substack.com/p/hello-impatience-my-old-friend
Cheers!
Andrew