I spent the early part of my adult life with high expectations of myself and equivalent for others. That had unsurprisingly poor results, especially in any quality of life measurements.
Around 30 I broke from that methodology and adopted a "negative expectations" of others and kept the high expectations of myself. In an odd way that worked for about 15 years but resulted in not building relationships with those who I shared so much with. But I was seldom surprised or let down. Or truly happy.
Then I had a therapist who challenged my happiness and expectations modalities. She said, "Happiness was a choice." Yep! Remains so. She also said, "Try dropping the expectations except where you both make a balanced promise." Turns out there are dang few of those. I still have some expectations creep up but I quickly analyze whether there really was ever a clear and cogent balanced promise. Usually not it turns out. And then I move on with vulnerability and questions. The relationships that develop from this are worth losing all the unspoken Ying/Yang BS of the past. Wish it had happened sooner, but at 63 I'm young yet.
Thanks CDUB - you're the doing the relational work now and that's what matters. Thank you for describing your process of developing realistic expectations and discernment of others.
I love your mind! You’re very academic, yet you also mix psychology with philosophy and the deeper existential questions. I find a lot of psych articles that you see on Psychology Today etc. tend to look at individuals in a vacuum, whereas you’re more of a Big Picture thinker. It’s much more interesting to me!
Thank you Jules! I'm not a psychologist and never studied psychology as a discipline. I spot patterns and behavioural processes between people and in groups because human behaviour is fascinating! We're social creatures so I have found it helpful to view behaviour through an interpersonal lens. I'm pleased you can see this in my work and it resonates with you.
I'm glad this piece is prompting reflection Curt. It's understandable to have little expectation for others. I've done that to shield me from getting hurt and I think this is more common than discussed.
There was something you said in your conversation with Yasmine Mohammed about the racism of low expectations that prompted me to think about expectations in general, and sparked this article.
I spent the early part of my adult life with high expectations of myself and equivalent for others. That had unsurprisingly poor results, especially in any quality of life measurements.
Around 30 I broke from that methodology and adopted a "negative expectations" of others and kept the high expectations of myself. In an odd way that worked for about 15 years but resulted in not building relationships with those who I shared so much with. But I was seldom surprised or let down. Or truly happy.
Then I had a therapist who challenged my happiness and expectations modalities. She said, "Happiness was a choice." Yep! Remains so. She also said, "Try dropping the expectations except where you both make a balanced promise." Turns out there are dang few of those. I still have some expectations creep up but I quickly analyze whether there really was ever a clear and cogent balanced promise. Usually not it turns out. And then I move on with vulnerability and questions. The relationships that develop from this are worth losing all the unspoken Ying/Yang BS of the past. Wish it had happened sooner, but at 63 I'm young yet.
Thanks CDUB - you're the doing the relational work now and that's what matters. Thank you for describing your process of developing realistic expectations and discernment of others.
I'm so grateful to have discovered your newsletter. Each post challenges and expands my thinking—thank you!
Very grateful for your thoughts.Thank you Amy!
I love your mind! You’re very academic, yet you also mix psychology with philosophy and the deeper existential questions. I find a lot of psych articles that you see on Psychology Today etc. tend to look at individuals in a vacuum, whereas you’re more of a Big Picture thinker. It’s much more interesting to me!
Thank you Jules! I'm not a psychologist and never studied psychology as a discipline. I spot patterns and behavioural processes between people and in groups because human behaviour is fascinating! We're social creatures so I have found it helpful to view behaviour through an interpersonal lens. I'm pleased you can see this in my work and it resonates with you.
Very interesting read. Going to have to ponder on this.
I struggle with confidence so I m anything but narcissistic but I also have very little expectation for others so pretty much who you wrote this for!
I'm glad this piece is prompting reflection Curt. It's understandable to have little expectation for others. I've done that to shield me from getting hurt and I think this is more common than discussed.
There are some very good questions to ponder here! Thank you for the thought experiment.
Thank you for reading Kate!
There was something you said in your conversation with Yasmine Mohammed about the racism of low expectations that prompted me to think about expectations in general, and sparked this article.