Dear fabulous readers and fellow Narcissism Hackers,
I’m currently recharging in India in one of my favourite places on Earth after a period of intense activity. I’ve been publishing my work on interpersonal narcissism on this platform for two years now. I often wonder if I’ll ever run out of ideas to write about regarding interpersonal narcissism because one can only describe the same behaviour pattern in finite ways. I’m glad there are enough related topics that influence and are influenced by narcissism that will keep me going.
As always, I’m really open and hungry for your ideas on what you would like me to write about related to human behaviour, group dynamics, relationships with authority and mental mastery.
While flying over the central desert of Australia en route to India, I started contemplating doubt and faith in authorities, and the change we’ve experienced over the past few years in the erosion of trust against institutional authorities, the clamouring of different social groups to create a new social order while other groups trying to remind us of our values, morals and duty to each other as humans.
A draft emerged by the time we were seeing Uluru in the distance (photo below - it’s not mine) that plays with doubt as another messenger of wisdom and its relationship with faith when life shits on our heads and change is imminent.
Photo credit: Mark Boyle Photography
While I’m going through my editing process, I would love to know about your relationship with doubt and faith when life events shake you up.
Comment section:
What causes you to feel doubt about others or yourself?
How do you define faith and what makes you decide or choose what to put your faith in?
Doubt about others - non verbal communication often speaks volumes. The persons behaviour and response to your presence can either be positive or negative, and MAY cause you to doubt yourself as to why the behaviour you perceive or witness is not easy to interpret in every scenario, eg someone looking at you and deciding to punch you is an obvious extreme example.
Faith is something that can be dogmatic and isolating …. But also open to change. Extreme groups have tainted it for many, and you may put your faith in yourself or your abilities but then physical aging or injury can remove it just as easily as losing faith in a higher power….
Thank you for your thoughtful response Phil. Doubt can be a response to an interpretation of another person's behaviour (subtle or obvious), whether it's directed at you or not. That tells me how we vulnerable we can be to suggestion/interpretation when feeling insecure.
I resonate with what you described as faith - can be rigid but might be nudged to adapt due to new understanding or circumstances, which requires relinquishing rigidity to become more open.
Well, faith is being able to see beyond the apparent. You transcend the apparent when you e.g. believe that a person is able to transform beyond his or her current state of being. Despite no empirical evidence, you believe, you have faith. Faith depends on love. When you love people, you can transcend the apparent.
Thank you biscuitheque! I'd love to know your thoughts as I'm curious about people's experiences vs theoretical ideas from published authors. It's easier relate that way!
Heaven forbid, do I want to paint myself as a victim here. Although I know that's quite popular these days, especially with narcissists. Nevertheless, a hiccup from my childhood has been lodged deep in my brain for nearly 40 years, which may give you food for thought or give you the best sleep you can only dream of.
Summer 1984. I was five years old. My brother, six years older, was in the boy scouts - very popular back in the 80s, rarer if a friend your age wasn't in the scouts. Times of course, were very much different. On this particular day, a boy scout's parade through the park - several hundred in fact - my father, mother and myself were watching at the sidelines, my parents watching with pride as my brother marched passed dressed in uniform, showing his badges on his arm. In the morning however, before our family unit set out in the car, my mother put a boy scout's cap and scarf on me. I still have no idea why these were in the house or where they came from. And it wasn't exactly a choice, rather my mother's choice. So, there I am, five years old, standing close with my parents in public at the side of the march. Dressed as a boy scout. But not old enough to be a boy scout, but indeed appearing to impersonate one. This is the bit that has stuck with me; members of the public, actual strangers, laughing at me and saying 'he isn't a boy scout.' I suppose this is my first real experience of public humiliation and I know my mother was only doing her best. Of course, the ones laughing at me didn't know I hadn't dressed myself - I didn't really say anything and was a shy child. But it was certainly my first awareness of how others perceive, how a 'uniform' has meaning attached to it and what others attach to the meaning of presentation. Underneath, of course, I was still the same person. Yet, the general public had unanimously found me unqualified and impersonating one of Baden Powell's tribe.
I've struggled with the concept of 'be' and 'being' something all my life. Like, I know how to 'be' - be myself, that is. But 'being' something, I've always thought I'd get found out. Even if I was dressed the part. I didn't even go to my bachelors degree graduation for photos or dress up. There's definitely a part of me that thinks 'I'm not good enough.' And so, I'm trying to work on my self-confidence and self-esteem, even now in middle age. Unfortunately, I've met several narcissists (who hasn't?) along the way, who haven't exactly helped my confidence, so I try and understand why some people behave the way they do. I'm still learning.
"The ultimate source of self-esteem is and can only be internal - in what we do, not what others do." Six Pillars.
Christopher Lasch's book 'The Culture of Narcissism' was written in 1979, the year I was born. He mentions 'status anxiety' once or twice. I found that interesting. Alain de Botton writes about this too, an anxiety of what others think of us.
Wow biscuitheque - thank you for illuminating the powerful impact our childhood experiences have shaping our self-perception, well into adulthood. The constant self-doubt that interferes with confidence and self-esteem makes me think of lifelong imposter syndrome - never knowing fully if I'm being myself or good enough at it. At some point, life demands we withdraw all importance we've given to external authorities to be the lens through which we view ourselves and just think 'fuck 'em!'
Hi Nathalie, glad you got a few things out of my little story - I didn't intend to write so much!
Exactly - imposter syndrome. You hit the nail on the head here. And perhaps my experience hints at enclothed cognition too; you know yourself how different you can be treated if you're dressed very smartly. You'd get treated with a little more respect, may even get preferential treatment. I like how you use the word 'lens' - that's all it really is, how we see, how we're seen by others.
I do enjoy the content on the whole from Nathalie. I think everyone experiences things similar to what you’ve described above as a child, and I found great comfort in reading ‘Reinventing your Life’ to follow the thread of childhood experiences that can make you insecure as an adult when you find yourself in a public situation where you are mob shamed. I’ve noticed that no matter what you do this never goes away in any institution, you will always have someone trying to put you back in that child state and make you doubt yourself and ability, and even when you know it’s not narcissistic or imposter syndrome, once you’ve reached that place anyway in yourself, people skilled in this look to make it seem so (classic Darvo war tactics) to socially isolate you, because the mob will always be that - enjoying the show you’ve been dragged into. Being able to take the hit, bounce back from someone trying to put you back in that child like state and navigate it is tough. I don’t think it will ever go away, or stop being content, as younger people go through the mill and walk the path that many on this thread have stumbled through until reading this comment today.
Doubt about others - non verbal communication often speaks volumes. The persons behaviour and response to your presence can either be positive or negative, and MAY cause you to doubt yourself as to why the behaviour you perceive or witness is not easy to interpret in every scenario, eg someone looking at you and deciding to punch you is an obvious extreme example.
Faith is something that can be dogmatic and isolating …. But also open to change. Extreme groups have tainted it for many, and you may put your faith in yourself or your abilities but then physical aging or injury can remove it just as easily as losing faith in a higher power….
Thank you for your thoughtful response Phil. Doubt can be a response to an interpretation of another person's behaviour (subtle or obvious), whether it's directed at you or not. That tells me how we vulnerable we can be to suggestion/interpretation when feeling insecure.
I resonate with what you described as faith - can be rigid but might be nudged to adapt due to new understanding or circumstances, which requires relinquishing rigidity to become more open.
Faith is trancendence, the eternity beyond the material.
Thank you Par G Kurki! What is being transcended and why that is a function of faith vs doubt?
I know many people who put faith in material things - like wealth accumulation and in other humans
Well, faith is being able to see beyond the apparent. You transcend the apparent when you e.g. believe that a person is able to transform beyond his or her current state of being. Despite no empirical evidence, you believe, you have faith. Faith depends on love. When you love people, you can transcend the apparent.
The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden and The Culture of Narcissism by Christopher Lasch, may be useful to you. Kindest regards.
Thank you biscuitheque! I'd love to know your thoughts as I'm curious about people's experiences vs theoretical ideas from published authors. It's easier relate that way!
Heaven forbid, do I want to paint myself as a victim here. Although I know that's quite popular these days, especially with narcissists. Nevertheless, a hiccup from my childhood has been lodged deep in my brain for nearly 40 years, which may give you food for thought or give you the best sleep you can only dream of.
Summer 1984. I was five years old. My brother, six years older, was in the boy scouts - very popular back in the 80s, rarer if a friend your age wasn't in the scouts. Times of course, were very much different. On this particular day, a boy scout's parade through the park - several hundred in fact - my father, mother and myself were watching at the sidelines, my parents watching with pride as my brother marched passed dressed in uniform, showing his badges on his arm. In the morning however, before our family unit set out in the car, my mother put a boy scout's cap and scarf on me. I still have no idea why these were in the house or where they came from. And it wasn't exactly a choice, rather my mother's choice. So, there I am, five years old, standing close with my parents in public at the side of the march. Dressed as a boy scout. But not old enough to be a boy scout, but indeed appearing to impersonate one. This is the bit that has stuck with me; members of the public, actual strangers, laughing at me and saying 'he isn't a boy scout.' I suppose this is my first real experience of public humiliation and I know my mother was only doing her best. Of course, the ones laughing at me didn't know I hadn't dressed myself - I didn't really say anything and was a shy child. But it was certainly my first awareness of how others perceive, how a 'uniform' has meaning attached to it and what others attach to the meaning of presentation. Underneath, of course, I was still the same person. Yet, the general public had unanimously found me unqualified and impersonating one of Baden Powell's tribe.
I've struggled with the concept of 'be' and 'being' something all my life. Like, I know how to 'be' - be myself, that is. But 'being' something, I've always thought I'd get found out. Even if I was dressed the part. I didn't even go to my bachelors degree graduation for photos or dress up. There's definitely a part of me that thinks 'I'm not good enough.' And so, I'm trying to work on my self-confidence and self-esteem, even now in middle age. Unfortunately, I've met several narcissists (who hasn't?) along the way, who haven't exactly helped my confidence, so I try and understand why some people behave the way they do. I'm still learning.
"The ultimate source of self-esteem is and can only be internal - in what we do, not what others do." Six Pillars.
Christopher Lasch's book 'The Culture of Narcissism' was written in 1979, the year I was born. He mentions 'status anxiety' once or twice. I found that interesting. Alain de Botton writes about this too, an anxiety of what others think of us.
Wow biscuitheque - thank you for illuminating the powerful impact our childhood experiences have shaping our self-perception, well into adulthood. The constant self-doubt that interferes with confidence and self-esteem makes me think of lifelong imposter syndrome - never knowing fully if I'm being myself or good enough at it. At some point, life demands we withdraw all importance we've given to external authorities to be the lens through which we view ourselves and just think 'fuck 'em!'
Hi Nathalie, glad you got a few things out of my little story - I didn't intend to write so much!
Exactly - imposter syndrome. You hit the nail on the head here. And perhaps my experience hints at enclothed cognition too; you know yourself how different you can be treated if you're dressed very smartly. You'd get treated with a little more respect, may even get preferential treatment. I like how you use the word 'lens' - that's all it really is, how we see, how we're seen by others.
And indeed, fuck 'em. Life is absurd.
I do enjoy the content on the whole from Nathalie. I think everyone experiences things similar to what you’ve described above as a child, and I found great comfort in reading ‘Reinventing your Life’ to follow the thread of childhood experiences that can make you insecure as an adult when you find yourself in a public situation where you are mob shamed. I’ve noticed that no matter what you do this never goes away in any institution, you will always have someone trying to put you back in that child state and make you doubt yourself and ability, and even when you know it’s not narcissistic or imposter syndrome, once you’ve reached that place anyway in yourself, people skilled in this look to make it seem so (classic Darvo war tactics) to socially isolate you, because the mob will always be that - enjoying the show you’ve been dragged into. Being able to take the hit, bounce back from someone trying to put you back in that child like state and navigate it is tough. I don’t think it will ever go away, or stop being content, as younger people go through the mill and walk the path that many on this thread have stumbled through until reading this comment today.