G’mar chatima tova, Nathalie! May you be sealed in the Book of Life!
I love this article, and have been in this very process of late. The most challenging thing for me - and for my clients as a therapist - is looking in the mirror and seeing what someone whom I care deeply about sees in me and has felt harmed by.
Once I get past defensiveness - which in my case looks like agreeing superficially to avoid perceived "unnecessary" conflict with the feedback initially and then avoiding thinking about it further, resulting in making no changes - I can get on with the reconciliation process - with myself and others. That's the sweet spot I'm currently reaching for. It's SO fulfilling to recognize some narcissistic spectrum behavior, reflect on it, find forgiveness for self, and then reach out out of caring for the other person, rather than being held hostage to needing to avoid the distressing emotions and thoughts that accompany growth. Thanks as always for your good work!
I've recognized one of my major barriers to (full) reconciliation is impatience. I'm often in such a hurry to get beyond the conflict that I fail to dwell long enough on the real issue to actually resolve it. The thing about it is, as long as we pretend something is OK - it will never actually be OK!
So I've been focusing on really listening, not as much to the arguments but to person behind them - and not to solve but to understand. I've been amazed at how much people have opened up to me as I've stopped trying to analyze while listening!
The turning point for me in this realization was when I came across Proverbs 21:5 in my morning meditation:
"The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance,
but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty."
I can testify to that! The more I think in terms of scarcity (time, money, etc.), which puts me into the busyness mindset - the less able I am to be truly present in my relationships. And relational poverty, in my opinion, may be the most painful kind.
G’mar chatima tova, Nathalie! May you be sealed in the Book of Life!
I love this article, and have been in this very process of late. The most challenging thing for me - and for my clients as a therapist - is looking in the mirror and seeing what someone whom I care deeply about sees in me and has felt harmed by.
Once I get past defensiveness - which in my case looks like agreeing superficially to avoid perceived "unnecessary" conflict with the feedback initially and then avoiding thinking about it further, resulting in making no changes - I can get on with the reconciliation process - with myself and others. That's the sweet spot I'm currently reaching for. It's SO fulfilling to recognize some narcissistic spectrum behavior, reflect on it, find forgiveness for self, and then reach out out of caring for the other person, rather than being held hostage to needing to avoid the distressing emotions and thoughts that accompany growth. Thanks as always for your good work!
Paul
Well done Nathalie - keep up the great work!
I've recognized one of my major barriers to (full) reconciliation is impatience. I'm often in such a hurry to get beyond the conflict that I fail to dwell long enough on the real issue to actually resolve it. The thing about it is, as long as we pretend something is OK - it will never actually be OK!
So I've been focusing on really listening, not as much to the arguments but to person behind them - and not to solve but to understand. I've been amazed at how much people have opened up to me as I've stopped trying to analyze while listening!
The turning point for me in this realization was when I came across Proverbs 21:5 in my morning meditation:
"The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance,
but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty."
I can testify to that! The more I think in terms of scarcity (time, money, etc.), which puts me into the busyness mindset - the less able I am to be truly present in my relationships. And relational poverty, in my opinion, may be the most painful kind.
Here's a confession, of sorts, I wrote about impatience: https://andrewsawyer.substack.com/p/hello-impatience-my-old-friend
Cheers!
Andrew